Where I belong

I've had a lot of time to myself after I got out, time to prioritize and sort myself out. Over those months to myself I have realized that this is where I am doomed to stay.
I've been thinking lately, as I read the Ana forums, some girls who call themselves "the real anorexic girls" say that calling it "Ana" is for girls who only pretend that they have anorexia nervosa, for girls who want to lose 10-20 pounds before prom or a hot date. I, for one, disagree; I remember a time when the term "Ana" was a way for us to hide it from our friends and family when we were able to find a kindred spirit who was able to truly relate to this dark habit we harbored. "Ana" and "Mia" are as speaking in code with your kin, much like 4:20 is, or rather was, for stoners. Humanizing "Ana" by making her into a person and calling her our friend, makes talking about it so much easier, much like Silverchair's song, Ana; yes, that song is about exactly what you think it is.
For example: there is a difference between blocking out Ana's voice in your head and getting Ana to leave you alone. I don't believe anyone who has met Ana can make her leave them alone forever, Ana is not tossed aside, once she is in your life, she will stay there, one way or another. I do believe, however, that some people are better at blocking out her voice than others, I am not one of those people. Ana has crept her way back into my life and here I am again with 30 calories in 24 hours.
For people like me, using the term Ana is simply a good use of words, a literate flourish, if you will. This disease lovingly refered to as Ana, brings all of us down with it, so why make life more stressful than it already is? Live and let live.
Ana is not someone to take lightly, she is not the leader of the "in crowd" she is a monster keeping us all prisoner in her fortress of food, don't fall for her tricks and don't try to impress her, you don't want to be her friend and trying to do so makes the rest of us, who are actually taken hostage, look as pathetic as you.

Apparently I'm in a ranting mood today. <3

It's a bit funny, in a demented sort of way, how it's so easy to slip back into the old habits, to forget about food and avoid the kitchen again; and even more humorous, how much I enjoy the empty feeling and have a deranged sense of bliss when I hear my stomach growl again for the first time in months.
And yet, despite it all, this is where I belong. This is where I feel in control, of my life and myself.