Freedom

Freedom. To many people, freedom is just a word, it has little meaning until it is taken away. I have learned the meaning of freedom and I am now thankful for it. A few months back, I was very active in a certain "Ana" community. The people in that community were some of my closest friends and the effects of "Ana" were with me every minute of every day. This fact was meant to be hidden from the world outside of this community, as no one understands it the way my girls did. When someone outside this circle finds out about us, we are ridiculed, shunned and even taken prisoner in a place that is affectionately called "rehab", which was my fate in early May. To any girls out there who willingly go to recovery, I applaud you, I myself am not willing to take that plunge, I see that now, I can't give up the single shred of control I have on my life and the world around me. To anyone who may have thought that I abandoned them or who may have worried about me when I vanished, I would like to apologize, sincerely, I was unable to contact anyone within this community during my time in the dark. My family, who I always assumed paid little notice to my eating habits, had, in fact, done exactly that and had been carefully watching me until one day I found myself in a nightmare with professionals stuffing food in my face. Fun stuff.
I have been practically forbidden from entering this world again and for the most part, I thought perhaps I had been cured, I put on weight, more than I have ever wanted to, and began eating food on my own. I know now, me being cured is not the case. The mirror became my trigger, simply enough, one day I stared at myself in the mirror and found, I didn't know who this girl was anymore. I was exploding out of my clothes, my face had grown rounder and I just felt miserable. That was the starting point and in the weeks that followed I found myself nauseated by food and down to under 600 calories a day. I'm too afraid to set foot on my scale to see the punishment for my sin of gluttony, one day, but not today.
So, here I am, begging forgiveness from my girls as I fall back into the pit that I had left them in.