Oh the Joys of Stress

I feel like I am crashing and burning right now. My boyfriend and I had a fight that became the final straw and now I find myself alone while submitting to Ana once again. I suppose the effects of the former aid the latter though, not eating has never been so easy. Part of me just keeps thinking, maybe it would've been easier to forgive me if I'd been as thin as I used to be. No one wants a fat girl.
He's stayed with me through my heaviest weight and stuck by me while I fought to get it all off, but now, as I'm close to my heaviest weight once again, I know he feels disgusted when he looks at me, who wouldn't? I feel disgusted when I look in the mirror.
I feel like I'm trapped in this cage of fat and it's suffocating me!
My life is slipping away from me, falling through my fingers like water and I can't catch it.
The only control I feel I have, the only way to calm myself is to be strong and starve on. Because despite how horrible I feel inside, the only thing that keeps me numb outside is the feeling of my stomach growling. I feel light and empty, a secret high that only girls who know Ana feel; that is what keeps me sane. Like heroin is for drug addicts, so an empty stomach is for me.
I will be thin.