Oh how I hate my pills~

I posted a couple weeks ago about how I was liking my pills and they made me more energetic and blah blah.. well now I fucking hate them!
The day I moved up to 2 pills a day, my brain decided to tell me, very forcefully, that it doesn't like these pills messing with it anymore. I was sitting here at the PC, talking to my dad, when all of a sudden a cold rush went through my body, it felt sort of like I had a balloon in my stomach and it popped and all the ice water in it flooded my insides. After that, I went completely numb from head to toe. At this point I started freaking out a little, but it gets worse.. my heart started racing and my muscles clenched all on their own.
So my parents called an ambulance and I got to be taken to the emergency room. Let me give a little example of just how numb I was. When they took me outside to the ambulance it had to have been under 40 degrees, so it was pretty damn cold, and I, of course, was shivering, but I didn't actually feel the cold. So my skin felt the cold and reacted to it, but my brain wasn't registering the feeling of cold.
The best part was, when I got to the emergency room, I got to sit and WAIT in the fucking waiting room! How fucked up is that?! And that's not even the worst part of this hospital; there was a little girl next to me, about 2 or 3 I suppose, who was brought in for a fever of 102 and she was sitting in the waiting room with her mom. About half an hour or so passed and all of a sudden, the girl's body went completely rigid. I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me but I saw this woman get up and rush towards the main desk and then I hear screaming and sobbing. Come to find out later, the little girl had a fever of 108 by then and she had a seizure right there in the waiting room. Pretty fucked up huh?

Anyways, enough of that thrilling topic. I've gone back to eating normally again and possibly a little too normally for my liking. I've binged a couple times, thankfully not on anything that was super fattening or unhealthy but I've still gained about 5 pounds since I got off my fast. Most of it is just the weight from the food in my system I'm sure, since I still look the same as I did when I finished my fast and all my clothes are still too big. But still, the fact that the numbers have gone up just make me want to fast again. But, I found out I can't, or rather, shouldn't fast while on these meds. Just another reason I want to get off them asap. Hopefully, when I call my doctor tomorrow, I wont have to make an appointment or anything and she can just let me stop taking them tomorrow. If not, then hopefully I can get it over with this week. I'd like to stop taking them cold-turkey right now but that's not safe either so I'm stuck with them until I see my doctor.
I hate this.
However, I had an epiphany, I realized, a majority of asian women are skinny. And why is that? Because of what and how much (or should I say how little) they eat. So, I decided I'd switch to a strictly Japanese diet, consisting mostly of Japanese rice (which is so good!) and miso soup and other little Japanese dishes now and then when I feel like eating more than that. The best part is, Japanese rice takes forever to make, at least 3 hours, including the time it takes to form the rice into onigiri. So I spend much more time cooking than I spend eating and it's a little deterrent to eating because I think "man I don't wanna spend 3 hours making rice right now, I'll do it later." so I don't eat cause I don't cook, it's perfect! On top of all that, Japanese food is bomb. So it works out great!

Post-fast

Alright well, I decided to end my fast early, I went a full 10 days without eating but I had a little freak out and was worried about my kidneys so I decided to end my fast for that reason and because I lose weight faster in the first 6 days of a fast. So instead I'll be doing shorter fasts more frequently until I get to my goal weight. I'm 155 now though so I don't feel too bad about stopping my fast, 10 days isn't bad at all anyway!
Now that I'm off my fast, about 3 days off it actually, I can't seem to get myself to eat anything. Food in general sounds disgusting and I'm just not hungry, I'm trying to force myself to eat to break my fast but it's hard. I did manage to eat some cold soma noodles though and noodles are about the only thing that really sounds appetizing to me right now. I'm constantly feeling like I need to vomit and I actually do just about every morning now. I mean, it's never been so easy to resist food, but it's a little unnerving that I just can't eat. I suppose it's good that I can resist food so easily now, that was one of the reasons I started fasting, to break my addiction to food, and I certainly did that. All the cravings I'd been having while fasting are completely out the window now.
However, tomorrow I plan on making Japanese food all day and I'm super excited for that! I love cooking, I just don't like eating.
But anyway, we're going to an asian food store tomorrow since I'm missing a couple things that I need for the recipes that I can't find anywhere but in an asian store. I'm making bento lunches for everyone with onigiri, tamagoyaki and kushikatsu and it's gonna be all pretty in a bento box (hopefully the asian store has those!) and then for dinner I'm making yakisoba, fried potatoes, tempura beef and some more onigiri. The onigiri is the most fun to make, that's for sure, but I love making food from other cultures and I love Japan so, perfect!
As long as I can eat some of the food I'll be happy, as it stands I don't know if I'll be able to keep anything besides the onigiri down, but we'll see!

Bipolarness and a new belt hole! \o/

Alright so today is a fairly decent day so far. I just got back from my psychologist and it turns out I have hypomania, which is a feature of bipolar II disorder and cyclothymia, so I think I have bipolar II disorder, according to her. But she says the meds I'm on are working and they're sort of balancing out my mood so she's gonna keep me on those for a while and see how I do. She also said it's ok for me to keep taking my meds while fasting (big weight off my shoulders) it'll probably just cause nausea (you can say that again), headaches and dizziness; but she said she'll have my doctor call me and talk to me about it too, just so I'm fully informed, which is cool.
I haven't moved from 156 again though, I think I might be losing even less than 1 lb a day, it's more like half a pound a day, if that. But, it's weird, I'm not losing weight according to my scale, but my belt is down one hole, I am now at the 3rd hole, where just a few days ago I was at the 2nd. So maybe I'm not losing weight but I'm losing inches? I wouldn't mind that so much, as long as I DO keep losing weight.
I started writing a list of all the cravings I get while fasting. At first I thought it might be a bad idea, but I decided to do it anyway and also write the causes of these cravings. That way, I can see what causes most of my cravings and avoid them, and at the end of my fast I can see if I still have these cravings or if they actually went away and were just a product of a lack of food.
Anyways, I feel pretty good today, I think a lot of the toxins are finally leaving my system and I feel a bit more energetic than before and not nearly as sick and my skin is so much softer and clearer too and I can smell everything. My neighbors were cooking some breakfast food the other day and I could smell it through the walls, it was like pancakes and sausage and eggs or something like that and I could smell all of it. It smelled so good I was about to walk next door and ask them what they were cooking! Earlier today, I was outside and I could smell spices, like someone was preparing food somewhere and I could smell the spices they were using. And just a little bit ago, I swear I smelled McDonalds french fries. I don't know if I'm delusional and just smelling food everywhere (I doubt it) or if my nose and everything is cleared from the fast finally. It kinda sucks being able to smell every single food so well, but it's also really cool to be able to smell everything so much better.
I also got the new Star Trek movie and Push from the library today so I get to watch those later, finally! Woohoo!
Hopefully my day keeps going as well as it is right now.

Day 9 of the Fast

I felt utterly ill this morning, every time I leaned over I felt like I was going to vomit; I HATE throwing up, I am not bulimic by any means. Finally though, it got to the point where I was gonna throw up one way or the other and it was either gonna be in the toilet or on the floor somewhere. I was trying to avoid throwing up with no food in my stomach, but all that came up was bile; thankfully I feel TONS better now, but this morning was quite unpleasant.
For like 3 days, I've been stuck at 157 lbs! Well, not technically, I've actually been fluctuating between 159 and 157, but I wasn't going any lower than that and I was about to freak the fuck out! Today is different though, I finally dropped to 156, just barely, but I did and that's all that fucking matters! Kind of disheartening though, it means my weight loss slowed way sooner than I was thinking and now I'm down to 1 lb a day instead of 2. It sucks but at least I'm losing weight again.
I've been feeling kind of nauseous for a few days, I wonder if maybe I've been needing to vomit for a few days but just kept holding it back and it was messing with my system.
I'm going out to the store today, I figured I could do with a little bit of light exercise that wont tire me out, plus I need some grape juice, can't take apple juice anymore. I can't believe how tired I am all the time; I mean I know it's from fasting but still.. I tried to chase my kitten around the house yesterday and got tired within a couple minutes.
Oh well, what matters to me right now is weight loss and it doesn't matter how tired or sick I get while doing it, especially if it's working this well. 

28.7!

So it's day 6 of my fast and I am so happy today! I woke up and hopped on the scale and saw I am down to 157 lbs! Which means my BMI has gone from 32.0 down to 28.7! 10 lbs alone dropped just in these 6 days; fasting is really amazing. Now I just need to lose 21 more pounds to go from "overweight" to "normal weight" at which time I will most likely party!
I still have a long way to go to get to my goal weight, but I'm on a very fast track right now and I feel optimistic about getting there. My collarbone started peaking out too, I haven't seen it in so long, collarbones are beautiful! My ribs poke out just a little when I lay down now too and my curves are coming back! Every day I'm down 2 more pounds and every day my happiness goes a little bit higher, I can't even remember how it felt to be at 98 lbs, but I sure as fuck remember 195. I'll remember again soon though, it should only take a couple months to get down to where I want to be, assuming my weight loss doesn't plateau, but it shouldn't with fasting, I don't see how it could.
Anyways, going from obese to overweight is just so huge for me right now, I've been obese for so long and now I'm not anymore and it's like.. I feel lighter and not just in my weight. I don't feel as disgusting anymore and I feel like the sexy girl underneath this fat suit is finally clawing her way back out to the surface.
Look out bitches! I'm coming back! 

Meds and Weight Loss

Yes, it's been days since my last post, so sad.. My boyfriend and I got back together, as I said before, and so I've been spending a lot of time with him and haven't bothered much with anything but him. But! Here I am posting again.
I feel weird today. I've been on antidepressants for a few days now, they kinda make me hyper and anxious and they make me feel like the world is moving too goddamn slow! Like, I was thinking today, it's only been 3 days since I visited the doctor, but it feels like it's been weeks. It's similar to the feeling I had when I was on shrooms once, I felt like I was moving so fast and time was just flying by and we'd been doing everything for so long but then, when I looked at the clock, it had only been 5 minutes. It's weird, I'm not sure if I like it or not, everything takes forever! I do like how they keep me awake all day though, I used to get so tired in the middle of the day and end up falling asleep after being up for about 6 hours. Now I stay up all day. I'm worried what will happen when I go up to 2 pills a day in a week and a half; I might not be able to sleep at all! Sadly, I wont feel a difference in mood until I've been on the pills for about a month, so I'm hyper and anxious and depressed still, goodie! On the good side, these pills increase libido and induce weight loss in some patients, hopefully I'll be one of those patients!
Speaking of weight loss, the first two days of my fast were a bit rocky and I'm sad to say, I failed at the end of each day. The first day my family brought home taco bell and I was, unfortunately, unable to resist. So I ended up having at least 2000 calories that day. The second day my dad made chicken with tomatoes and bell peppers for dinner and I ate that night as well, though that couldn't have been over 500 calories. However, since then I haven't eaten a thing and am going on day three of my fast! My weight loss is on a slow start this time though, I've only lost 4 lbs in 3 days and I'm sure most of that was just the food I had in my system. I hope it boosts up within the next couple days or so, before I switch to juice. I'm hoping to be around 155 by the time I switch to 10 days of juice. 

Fasting is my Friend!

Ok so, I have my fast all planned out now. I'm a very structured person and without a plan I know I'm gonna break my fast early. I have the days to stop and start which parts of my fast written out on my calendar.
My water fast begins the 23rd, same day as my doctor's appointment, woohoo, then I start on juice on February 3rd, right after Imbolc, then go back to water on the 13th and then back to juice one more time on the 23rd before going back to food.
That's just my basic fasting outline, I might change it up a bit depending on how I feel during the fast, i.e. add juice in on water days if I feel like I can't handle just water for 10 days etc. I think I can do it though, going 40 days without food sounds like fun. Jesus fasted for 40 days and while I don't believe he's "the son of god" I do believe he was an historical figure, so if he can fast that long, why can't I? Technically speaking I probably could even fast longer, since I'm sure I have more fat on my body than he did, but I'm also sure he had more restraint than I do now.
Anyways, cranberry juice and herbal teas today to flush out my system a bit before I go strictly water. I'm so excited! I got a book on fasting from the library the other day to read too; I'm gonna need all the anti-food distractions I can get for the first couple days of this fast. Apparently it takes 5 days before your body actually starts feeding off itself.
So yay fasting starts today! 

Fasting Obsession

Is it arrogant of me to think of myself as a bear right now? I find it funny; I decided to binge today, willingly. Weird right? But wait, there's more.. you see, I figured I should get all my cravings out now, before I fast, that way, I wont have all those cravings while I'm trying to resist food, plus the new ones that form during the fast. So, like a bear, I prepare myself for my hibernation in winter by binging. Now, again, like a bear, I'm nice and fat for hibernation and I just stop eating for the winter and relax. Of course, my "winter" is only going to be 40 days instead of 4 months, but the concept is the same.
So, doesn't it make you wonder if perhaps humans were meant to "hibernate" as well, in their own way? Maybe not in winter, since your body can't warm itself as well without food, but maybe in late spring, just before summer? Or maybe even in the beginning of summer. It would make perfect sense to me. Why not? Mammals hibernate, humans are mammals; and we can clearly survive without food, that's why we get fat! I might be weird but it just seems natural to me, humans weren't always sedentary and gluttonous.
Anyways, getting off my little whimsical musings here, I'm excited to fast! I'm hoping to be 130, at least, by the end of it, no, not hoping, I WILL be 130 by the end of it. 120 would be better, but 130 is great.
Closing on a high note, I'm back with my boyfriend, again. He seems really happy we're back together, even though he's the one who broke it off.. Men.. Oh well, he's lucky I love him.

I suck and food sucks

So, after my so amazingly successful fast, I end up binging not even two days after reintroducing food into my system. Do we see a pattern here? Yes we do. ABC isn't going to work for me this time, I read that to detox yourself from food you need to have it out of your system for at least thirty days. Six clearly wasn't enough. I'm sure I gained back every single pound I lost in my fast and that's not acceptable.
I had, I don't know how many pieces of a pizza my family ordered. See? I can't resist cravings.
At least on the good side, I'd only had an apple for breakfast and a pickle for lunch.
So, to save myself from my addiction to food, I'm going to just fast for as long as it takes to drop the weight. I think maybe 10 days of pure water, 10 days juice, then 10 days of water and finally 10 days of juice again. By then I should be getting close to my goal weight and if not, I'll have to take a break with solid food for a while and if I need to lose more I can fast again.
Good thing no one ever notices what I eat, or in this case, don't eat. 

Elated

 I feel utterly magnificent today. I'm down 11 pounds since Sunday and someone even said they NOTICED the difference! YAY! It's always hard to see weightloss on yourself, since you're looking at yourself every single day, so I took out a photo of me at my heaviest weight, 195 lbs. Holy shit is there a huge difference! You can see a dramatic difference in my face alone! Course it's a 31 lb difference between now and then, but still! I really notice how much better I look now, I have a long way to go but I WILL get there!
The compliment I got today was sort of.. about me but not to me really, a friend of mine was talking on the phone to her friend and she was talking about all the weight I lost and she actually said, "yea she looks great!" What a confidence booster! Thanks to that I'm even more determined to drop all this weight. Some people I know have never seen me below 155 lbs, just wait till they see me at 115 and 100 and maybe even 98 lbs again! Ahh that would be great, I was so gorgeous back then. I'll get there again though, I'm sure of it.
I think I've gotten over my food addiction too. Being in recovery for being underweight was like.. putting a former alcoholic into a place that forced them to drink. When I got out, I was addicted to food as ever and shot back up to 175 lbs. I have the stretch marks to prove it. Speaking of that, once I get to my goal weight, my next step is to get rid of said stretch marks. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll be less visible when I drop the extra weight, but if not, I'll need to find some stretch mark remover or something..
On another topic, my family made bacon hamburgers and chili for dinner.. It smelled soooo goood and I wanted some sooo bad but I did not have even one bite. So proud of myself for that! :D My stomach is still 100% void of solid food, all that's in it is juice and water!
Anyways, looking forward to tomorrow! Maybe I'll be down 2 more pounds!
164 lbs as of this morning! Yay!

Fasting Blues..

God I feel like utter shit right now. I know this fast is flushing the toxins out of my body and that's why I feel so nauseous, but it sucks so hard, I've almost thrown up like 4 times this morning. I wish I could just throw up and get it over with, I'd probably feel better afterwards anyway.
I've been fasting for about a week-ish now on and off, I started on Monday the 11th or so, originally with juice fasting, but my family made meatloaf on Thursday and I freaking LOVE meatloaf, so I had that and it just totally made me binge that day. So I started over on Friday then on Saturday I had a panic attack from my wonderful ex (aren't men great?) so I forced down some oatmeal, I couldn't eat all of it and it did jack shit to settle my stomach and it's been upset since that day.
I'm breaking my fast today though, I've lost nearly 10 pounds from it so I'm pretty pleased and even more pleased to break the damn fast. I'll try again later, after ABC, but I just feel so sick right now I'll be glad to have food in my system, even if I end up throwing it up.
I'm starting ABC today, finally, after fasting sticking to those calories should be no problem at all. For the first few days of ABC, my calories are all gonna be from juice, since I still need to break my fast and going straight from no food to solid food will make me even more sick than I already feel.
I got the non-diet V8 splash yesterday, since there's no way I can get to 500 calories in a day with juice that's 10 calories per serving, this one is 80 calories so that's only about 6 glasses the first two days to hit 480 calories.

Omg I have been CRAVING pizza like freaking crazy for the past two days (maybe because someone made pizza the other day and I resisted even having one bite? :D ) But like, all day there's been a thought in the back of my mind, behind all the thoughts about calories and fasting and men, that keeps saying, "mmmmm piiiiizzzaaaaa" So.. I got some weight-watcher's pizza, it's only like 360 calories for the whole thing I think, so that'll be fine for like a 400 calorie ABC day. I feel it's better to satisfy cravings than to ignore them and cause a binge. Anyways, it's weight watchers so it's gotta be at least a little bit healthy, right? Or maybe less unhealthy than normal pizza? Another pizza I looked at was like 600 calories per serving! So it's a pretty big difference between the two and right now, pizza is pizza!

Crazy?

I feel like complete and utter shit, my skin is burning but I'm freezing, my body aches and my hands are shaking and I feel like I'm about to vomit, still. I broke my fast today too, I didn't want to but I'm under too much emotional stress right now to fast, no point being skinny when I'm dead right? So I'm drinking juice to break the fast. Still lost a pound though at least.

Anyways, the reason for my distress, my boyfriend sent me one last message earlier, telling me he didn't want to see me anymore. Yea, we broke up about a week ago, but a day after that he decided he'd think things over for a while, there was a chance we could try again but if we did we'd have to start our relationship over from scratch. I was fine with that, I love him, no matter what bullshit he pulls, I always still love him.
I'm such a glutton..
So yea, today he decided, there was nothing there to save and he was just done. I've been numb this past week and I thought maybe I just didn't care that we were over, I know today, that's not the case. I'm actually afraid to be without him. This sucks so hard..
I'm actually going to a psychologist soon, or a psychiatrist, my mom isn't sure which it is; giving the clinic a call on Monday to see if I can get in. I told her about the breakup and that I wanted to see a psychiatrist or something and she chooses then to tell me, there's a free one at a clinic around us! FREE!! So yea, I'm going to see him/her; good thing is, I'm not going to this psychiatrist/psychologist (whichever it is) for my ED, I'm going for my depression and whatever other problems my brain has (quite a few I'm sure). Who knows, maybe it'll help my ED too.
I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and I read up on medical problems all the time and I feel I could be bipolar, I have panic attacks fairly often now, first one happened a couple months ago and I'm like.. mildly agoraphobic, maybe not that, I'm not afraid to go outside to the store, but only if I'm with someone, if I go alone, I'm nervous as fuck the whole time. If I go to a friends house, I'm so uncomfortable it's not even funny. Friends have invited me to stay the night so many times but I turn them down, I haven't stayed at a friends house in years.
Uhg.
I suck.
Hope the shrink gives me some happy pills.. that'd be nice..

Tried to eat some oatmeal a few minutes ago, it settled my stomach a tiny bit, my whole body is hot now though and I couldn't finish the oatmeal :/ I ate maybe half to 2/3rds of the bowl. I hate myself..

Melting!

So I'm on day two of my fast and I'm down 6 pounds already since I weighed myself last Sunday. I feel fucking elated! I dropped below 170 and I am officially 169 lbs, barely, but I am and that's all that matters! I don't see a difference in my body yet though, unfortunately.
I figure by Monday I could be close to 165 which isn't anywhere near where I want to be, but I'm definitely on my way there. I just can't fuck up, there is no room for failure, it's not an option.
I'm on straight water right now until Monday morning, I started a bit early in honor of Haiti; it feels weird but good fasting for something other than my weight.
Ohhh! I started reading Marya's Wasted for the first time today, I didn't get very far in before I fell asleep (not because the book was boring!), but it just kind of awes me how it starts out. I'd already reccommend anyone suffering with an ED or anyone who might be contemplating recovery to read it, but be warned, it might be a bit triggering.
Speaking of triggering, all I smell is food right now, someone just cooked some penne and Italian sausage and it smells so good..
This is kind of the stage for an addict where they have withdrawals and crap while getting the junk out of their system. That's what I'm doing right now, getting the junk out of my system. Getting myself back to the point where I don't give in to almost every single temptation of food. Just because it's there doesn't mean I have to have it! I wish humans only ate things because they taste good, not because we have to eat to live and I wish humans didn't gain weight, what's the point of that? We are such a flawed species.

Breaking the Fast

Soo I ended up breaking my fast today, a friend of mine actually bought me a strawberry ice cream cone with real strawberries in it.. and well.. I couldn't resist. At least the real strawberries made it a little healthy right? I don't even wanna know how many calories I had today and I'm not even going to be in the same room with my scale. Until at least Monday after my fast.. Who am I kidding, I'll probably hop on the scale tomorrow night, Saturday morning at the latest.
I did see a pretty interesting video posted in another community today though, here's the link if anyone is interested!

YouTube - DO you want to stay FAT? then STOP MESSING UP!

Kind of inspiring and I can relate to it now more than ever, it makes perfect sense, unhealthy foods are exactly like drugs. I am definitely addicted to food and I need to break myself of it! I'm torn between being addicted to my stomach growling and being addicted to the taste of unhealthy foods. Like she said, I need to remind myself, eating that food is NOT an option for me!
I also heard today that a lot of people are fasting to show their respect to the people who died in Haiti from 6pm on Friday to 6pm on Saturday. Gives me extra motivation to succeed in the fast I'd already planned and a bigger reason to do it than just for me. Fasting always gives me much more clarity in my rites and rituals and makes me feel closer to the Goddess and God (I'm Wiccan if you didn't know :P). An empty stomach gives me a clear mind and deeper feeling for what I'm doing, so, tomorrow night, I think I'll perform a rite for the people of Haiti during my fast, maybe focus on that rather than eating anything, since I start to get my cravings in the evening.

On a lower note, I don't know how well I'm coping in this breakup, I feel like I don't care but I think it's more of a numbness than anything else. I don't want to feel the pain so I just don't. I still find myself checking up on him every now and then though, peeking at his myspace and what not. I've been steering clear of watching movies that are all about love or the heroes in it do what they do for love or love this or love that, why do so many movies have to be about love? It's so annoying. I was watching Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End earlier and the history between Davy Jones and Calypso didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.. the story between them has always touched me, I always feel for Davy Jones but today I was just kinda numb to it. I don't know if I like feeling this way, but it sure beats being in misery all the time.

Yay!

So, even though I went to bed yesterday feeling kinda crappy, I woke up feeling amazing! I fasted successfully yesterday, ended up having:
16oz Diet Tropical V8 Splash - 20 cals
1 Piece of Stride Gum - <5 cals
And lots of water~

So I ended the day with about 25ish calories, since the gum is "less than 5 calories"
I went to the store yesterday intent on getting a small bottle of V8 Splash or V8 Fusion, expecting it not to last longer than yesterday's fast and also expecting it to be no less than 80 calories per serving; however, when I got to the store I found big bottles of DIET V8 Fusion with 10 calories per serving, 10! And it tastes a LOT better than I thought it would, being diet and all.
I had planned on eating under 500 cals on Thursday and Friday, but now, since I have so much juice, I might just juice fast until the weekend, or at least until the juice runs out, whichever comes first.
I only had one piece of gum left so I bought another pack yesterday also, the best craving-stopper ever is Stride gum, you can chew it all day and it'll still have flavor when you spit it out.
I got a can of Light Progresso Soup too, only 70 cals per serving, I figured that'd be good for ABC, it was intended for today and tomorrow but since I'm fasting instead I'll just save it for ABC.
On a final, awesome note, I dropped 2 more pounds already, just from fasting, giving me a total of 4 pounds dropped already since last Sunday, the 10th. My stomach is on the verge of growling, so I'll wait until it actually does, then go drink some V8 and take my vitamins.

ABC Again

So, after getting about 5 hours sleep, I actually do feel loads better, thankfully. Seems I'm not getting sick after all.
Being only 2 pounds down, I've decided that perhaps it's time I went through an ABC regime. With that in mind, I need a well structured plan; ABC is always hard for me, even more so now I'm sure, with people watching what I eat. Part of me is telling me to stop now, before I get caught and forced into recovery again. At least if that happens, they have no reason to force food on me, I don't need to gain a pound. However, most of me has opted to continue, my experience in recovery has only made me that more cunning and that more careful. Google chrome is your friend, the "incognito" feature is quite possibly the best feature I have ever seen. It doesn't track any of your browsing history, it doesn't keep you logged in anywhere and it doesn't save any of your form data. The perfect secret-browsing tool.
I wish I could just rip off all this fat, humans should be able to control their bodies, like women turning their periods off or growing your hair longer instantaneously and things like that.
Anyways, today I'm liquid fasting, going to the store in a while, so I'll probably get some low-cal juices or something, Thursday and Friday I'll keep below 400 calories and over the weekend I'll have a water-only fast and begin ABC fresh and empty on Monday.

Gross

Well, I feel disgusting right now, mostly because of a lack of sleep. My eyes are burning, I have a headache from hell, I'm nauseous and I almost just want to go back to sleep.

Raisin Bran - 320
15 Black Olives - 75
Grilled Chicken Breast - 130
Diet Coke - 0
2 Liters of Water - 0

I ate a little more than I meant to today, I was doing good up until I had a plate of food for dinner shoved in my face. Luckily I was able to put most of it back when I went in the kitchen for a drink. So I ended up with a total of 525 calories. 25 calories over the limit I had set this morning. Bleh. I have some Reglan I can take for my nausea; I haven't taken any since they were prescribed for my gallbladder a while back. But I kinda like it, I sure as hell don't feel like eating anything right now, in fact, I almost feel like throwing up, hopefully it doesn't come to that.
I did manage to burn off 962 calories with exercise though, putting me at a grand total of -437 calories for the day.
I almost feel like I might even be catching a cold, I hope not, that's the last thing I need right now. I think I might go back to bed after all. Tomorrow is a new day and I might liquid fast and flush out whatever is making me sick if I don't feel any better when I wake up.

Oh the Joys of Stress

I feel like I am crashing and burning right now. My boyfriend and I had a fight that became the final straw and now I find myself alone while submitting to Ana once again. I suppose the effects of the former aid the latter though, not eating has never been so easy. Part of me just keeps thinking, maybe it would've been easier to forgive me if I'd been as thin as I used to be. No one wants a fat girl.
He's stayed with me through my heaviest weight and stuck by me while I fought to get it all off, but now, as I'm close to my heaviest weight once again, I know he feels disgusted when he looks at me, who wouldn't? I feel disgusted when I look in the mirror.
I feel like I'm trapped in this cage of fat and it's suffocating me!
My life is slipping away from me, falling through my fingers like water and I can't catch it.
The only control I feel I have, the only way to calm myself is to be strong and starve on. Because despite how horrible I feel inside, the only thing that keeps me numb outside is the feeling of my stomach growling. I feel light and empty, a secret high that only girls who know Ana feel; that is what keeps me sane. Like heroin is for drug addicts, so an empty stomach is for me.
I will be thin.

Conqueror

Oh how great and yet disgusting I feel today! I decided to kick things off with a good ol' fast, 24 hours to start, since it's been so long, and it makes me happy how easy a 24 hour fast still is for me. I finally decided to step on the scale today, it had been taunting me and finally it lured me onto it's icy platform. 175 pounds at 5'2". Appalling. I would say, I've never wanted to die so much in my life, but that's not entirely true, however it's a pretty close second. I literally feel like a blimp, like someone stuck a water hose in my mouth and kept the water running until I inflated like a balloon. The floors in my house creaking beneath my feet just make everything that much worse with every squeak. They've always made noise when walked on, but I'm sure they wouldn't make as much if I was 100 pounds.
I waited until the 24 hours were up before I stepped onto the scale-of-doom but thinking back, that might not have been the best idea, it nearly ruined my whole high from fasting. I checked again this morning, however, and I am down 2 pounds already, so although I still feel like an over inflated air mattress, I'm on my way back to where I was. I am strong, I will do this, I will drop this weight like a sack of potatoes that I refused to eat!
I just need to keep this quote in mind: "Don't give up what you want most for what you want now." And my overflowing fat will melt away.

Where I belong

I've had a lot of time to myself after I got out, time to prioritize and sort myself out. Over those months to myself I have realized that this is where I am doomed to stay.
I've been thinking lately, as I read the Ana forums, some girls who call themselves "the real anorexic girls" say that calling it "Ana" is for girls who only pretend that they have anorexia nervosa, for girls who want to lose 10-20 pounds before prom or a hot date. I, for one, disagree; I remember a time when the term "Ana" was a way for us to hide it from our friends and family when we were able to find a kindred spirit who was able to truly relate to this dark habit we harbored. "Ana" and "Mia" are as speaking in code with your kin, much like 4:20 is, or rather was, for stoners. Humanizing "Ana" by making her into a person and calling her our friend, makes talking about it so much easier, much like Silverchair's song, Ana; yes, that song is about exactly what you think it is.
For example: there is a difference between blocking out Ana's voice in your head and getting Ana to leave you alone. I don't believe anyone who has met Ana can make her leave them alone forever, Ana is not tossed aside, once she is in your life, she will stay there, one way or another. I do believe, however, that some people are better at blocking out her voice than others, I am not one of those people. Ana has crept her way back into my life and here I am again with 30 calories in 24 hours.
For people like me, using the term Ana is simply a good use of words, a literate flourish, if you will. This disease lovingly refered to as Ana, brings all of us down with it, so why make life more stressful than it already is? Live and let live.
Ana is not someone to take lightly, she is not the leader of the "in crowd" she is a monster keeping us all prisoner in her fortress of food, don't fall for her tricks and don't try to impress her, you don't want to be her friend and trying to do so makes the rest of us, who are actually taken hostage, look as pathetic as you.

Apparently I'm in a ranting mood today. <3

It's a bit funny, in a demented sort of way, how it's so easy to slip back into the old habits, to forget about food and avoid the kitchen again; and even more humorous, how much I enjoy the empty feeling and have a deranged sense of bliss when I hear my stomach growl again for the first time in months.
And yet, despite it all, this is where I belong. This is where I feel in control, of my life and myself.

Freedom

Freedom. To many people, freedom is just a word, it has little meaning until it is taken away. I have learned the meaning of freedom and I am now thankful for it. A few months back, I was very active in a certain "Ana" community. The people in that community were some of my closest friends and the effects of "Ana" were with me every minute of every day. This fact was meant to be hidden from the world outside of this community, as no one understands it the way my girls did. When someone outside this circle finds out about us, we are ridiculed, shunned and even taken prisoner in a place that is affectionately called "rehab", which was my fate in early May. To any girls out there who willingly go to recovery, I applaud you, I myself am not willing to take that plunge, I see that now, I can't give up the single shred of control I have on my life and the world around me. To anyone who may have thought that I abandoned them or who may have worried about me when I vanished, I would like to apologize, sincerely, I was unable to contact anyone within this community during my time in the dark. My family, who I always assumed paid little notice to my eating habits, had, in fact, done exactly that and had been carefully watching me until one day I found myself in a nightmare with professionals stuffing food in my face. Fun stuff.
I have been practically forbidden from entering this world again and for the most part, I thought perhaps I had been cured, I put on weight, more than I have ever wanted to, and began eating food on my own. I know now, me being cured is not the case. The mirror became my trigger, simply enough, one day I stared at myself in the mirror and found, I didn't know who this girl was anymore. I was exploding out of my clothes, my face had grown rounder and I just felt miserable. That was the starting point and in the weeks that followed I found myself nauseated by food and down to under 600 calories a day. I'm too afraid to set foot on my scale to see the punishment for my sin of gluttony, one day, but not today.
So, here I am, begging forgiveness from my girls as I fall back into the pit that I had left them in.