Freaking out

I am like seriously freaking the hell out right now! I somehow gained SIX pounds in a week! WTF! I am so totally fasting this week. God I wanna cry every time I step on my scale. Disappointed is a huge understatement right now too. I don't even want to be here at the moment, I wanna be in my room not eating. Bleh

ABC 1 week food plan

Ok so I decided to keep myself from slipping up I'm going to plan out every single thing I'm going to eat for a week and leave a couple calories extra incase I want to binge and I can just have a piece of fruit or a bite of cereal or something.



Day 4 - Sunday April 5th - 400 cals--liquid fast:
fruit & veggie smoothie
1 apple = 72
1 banana = 175
3 strawberries = 12
4 carrots = 20
3 lettuce leaves = 4
2 spinach leaves = 14
fat-free yogurt = 100
total: 397 calories

Day 5 - Monday April 6th - 100 cals--liquid fast:
Apple strawberry lettuce smoothie
1 apple = 72
5 lettuce leaves = 5
4 strawberries = 15
total: 92 calories

Day 6 - Tuesday April 7th - 200 cals--liquid fast
Green smoothie
2 spinach leaves = 14
4 lettuce leaves = 4
5 strawberries = 20
1/2 banana = 88
5 carrot = 26
total: 152 calories

Day 7 - Wednesday April 8th - 300 cals
1 piece of chocolate = 17
Cream of chicken soup = 200
salad w/ dressing = 54
total: 271 calories

Day 8 - Thursday April 9th - 400 cals
weight watchers dinner = 320
Lemon pepper fish
rice pilaf
broccoli
caramel apple crisp
1 piece of chocolate = 17
total: 337 calories

Day 9 - Friday April 10th - 500 cals (omg so much)
1/2 muffin = 350
jello = 10
pears = 80
1 piece of chocolate = 17
total: 457 (eh, pretty far under, maybe I'll pick up some low-cal sweets)

Day 10 - Saturday April 11th - water fast

ABC

So I've been thinking about how much I need to get on track, especially after that freakin cookie, so I've decided to start the ABC diet today.
Ana Boot Camp
I need to kick my weight loss back in drive. I checked my weight today and found that I've gained 2 more pounds and that's unacceptable. I feel extra fat today after seeing that. I'm such a failure. Just seeing food today is making me sick thinking about those 2 extra fucking pounds!
Sigh
Well I'll kick myself into gear with ABC, that's for sure. I'll keep my journal updated with every single calorie to make sure I stick with the diet.
I'm gonna look at lots of thinspiration and listen to thinspiring songs to rev myself up.

Cookies are evil!

So I got paid yesterday and I went shopping to get some low cal goodies and of course took my roomies with me and they got those little debbie oatmeal cookies. I was doing so good on my calories yesterday until those cookies sat on the counter staring at me and calling me all evening. Evil evil, horrible creations! So after resisting most of the night I ended up having one anyway. They're 170 cals a piece, which isn't too bad, I had about 600 calories total with the food I ate yesterday and I cleaned the entire house (and it was a mess) and did some conditioning for 2 and a half hours.
So let's see..

Toast: +80 cal
Pink Lemonaid: +5 cal
Chicken, veggie, potato dinner: +375 cal
Evil cookie: +170 cal
Total: +630 cal
Ew. Way too many calories, ick. No wonder I'm so freaking fat.

1 hour heavy cleaning: -234 cal
1.5 hours shopping: -293 cal
2 hour workout routine: -988 cal
Total: -1515 cal

Subtotal: -885 cal

Ok so I guess thats not too horrible. But I need to stay away from those awful cookies! Living with other people sucks sometimes, if I was alone here I wouldn't even buy cookies. But oh well, I have to stay on track today! Haven't eaten anything so far this morning except water, so lets see if I can stay under 400 cals today!

Purpose

I feel so fat today, I actually ate a hotdog of all things. Not like I have much choice at the moment, there's not much food in the house till payday, I have around 10 dollars in the bank right now which needs to go to gas and catfood till I get paid. But oh well, I just wont eat anything else today, that hotdog was around 250 calories or so with the bun and all.
Sigh.
I think thats the sign that today is not going to be a good day for me. my boyfriend and I haven't been doing good lately, getting close to 8 months together and he's starting to get really cold. Not like I deserve him really but I don't want to lose him..

Stressed

I feel so stressed today, my boyfriend and I have been having issues all day, he's being so cold to me today, I dunno what the hell it is but it's driving me crazy today. I'm alone right now so I can actually post in my blog during the day instead of after midnight when everyone is asleep. I have the worst headache in the world right now. I kinda wanna go take a nap. My stomach is growling right now and even that isn't making me feel better, I'm empty as can be and my boyfriend is bringing me down.
I guess on the good side it's making me want to eat even less. It's probably silly but I feel like he wants to fight so we'll break up and he can get away from little miss fatty me. He's so handsome and fit and thin and he could definitely do better than me. I practically worship him, he's so perfect I'm amazed that he's even with me in the first place.
Anyways, all I had to day was a piece of plain white toast, the fattiest kind of course but we've got just about nothing in the house so I don't have much choice, it's only 80 calories so I guess it's not so bad.
My head is just pounding so I think I might actually go take a nap. Maybe my boyfriend will be in a better mood when I see him later.

Bleh, goal time!

It's been a while since I've written anything. I just feel so bored with life right now. Haven't been on the computer much lately and.. *sigh* I've gained weight. I feel so down right now. I guess on the good side some of my friends have noticed my weight loss and commented on how thin my face looks. That made me happy, I still feel fat but hearing things like that is so nice, my boyfriend commented on how thin my thighs have gotten too, that made me really happy. But I weighed myself today and I've gained 5 pounds. I feel so horrible after seeing that, all my fasting and starving and I gained weight?! Uhg, damn my slow metabolism. I feel so depressed.
Ok thats it, I'm making a goal. I am going to lose 10 pounds by Easter, that might be kinda ridiculous, I dunno, we'll see how it goes. I've got a little over 2 weeks to lose 10 pounds, I think I can do it, I mean I can lose at least 7 pounds easily with a little will power, so lets see if I can get serious and go for 10.

Thinspiration

I've been browsing for some other ana sites out there to connect with other girls and I happened to come across the absolute best site for thinspiration. I literally swoon at nearly every girl I look at, they're all so beautiful and gives me something to shoot for and something to remind myself of why being thin is so important.
Thinspiration for Life
None of that celebrity unattainable perfection stuff, it's mostly normal, thin, girls doing normal things.
Anyways, I've decided to start doing some different work outs, my old ones just weren't cutting it for me, I didn't really feel tired at all after doing them and I feel like I should have at least broken a sweat or something. I'm gonna look into some dance-type work outs or maybe some of those biggest loser routines that I've been seeing around. If those people can lose that much weight doing those work outs maybe it's worth a try right?

Vitamins does a body good

So I've been thinking lately and decided it's about time I started taking some vitamins. I've been fasting a lot lately (nearly every weekend) and so I've probably been depriving my body of a lot of important things, so I went out and bought some women's multivitamins with like 100% or more of daily value on all of the vitamins and stuff. They make me sick to my stomach when I take them though, I feel like I'm gonna throw up like 5 minutes after taking one, probably cause I'm supposed to take them with food and I don't. I guess it's kinda good though, they make me sick for about an hour after taking it so I don't feel like eating anything.
I'm sure I've got some vitamin deficiencies already so I probably should've been taking vitamins for a while.
Bleh, 5am already, this insomnia is getting really annoying.

Success!

I did so good today in fasting, normally I have some juice or something but today all I had was water. I'm quite proud of myself for that. I had zero calories today, so woo, go me! My stomach has been growling most of the day, I love that feeling, when my stomach is completely empty. I feel so good on those days when my stomach growls, feel like the pounds are just melting off with each growl, it's great, can't wait to weigh myself, but I'm gonna put it off till I wake up tomorrow, I find I lose more weight when I sleep on an empty stomach and I've been fasting for a few days now so there should be some progress. I need to come up with some kind of goal instead of just trying to lose as much as I can, that's too vague. Too tired to come up with anything right now though.
I need some calorie-free gum or something for when I'm doing things on the computer to get rid of my oral fixation. I find I want to eat the most when I'm bored playing games or chatting and I certainly don't wanna pick up smoking, screw that.
Oh well, time to sleep, it's late. Let's see how much I lost tomorrow.

Fast food = fast fat

Uhg, I ate a lot today again and I was doing so good too! Then my roommate had to get some taco bell! It was sitting in front of me for like an hour before I finally decided to eat it. I hate myself now. I'd lost like 4 pounds in the days I'd been fasting then I practically get fat shoved down my throat and probably gained it all back with one greasy meaty taco. I feel really full right now, I almost feel like purging to get rid of it all. I'm not one to purge, I just can't stand it, I'd rather starve than purge, but right now I'm quite tempted to go vomit this taco into the toilet. I just can't bring myself to do it though, guess I'll just fast for a few more days and skip going to the store for low-cal food. Out of sight out of mind right? I'll just go out or sleep or hide in my room or something I dunno.
Feel so freaking fat today!

Crime and punishment

I ate so much today.. so many calories, I'm so fat.. I was doing so good when I fasted last time, lost 15 pounds. God I felt so good after that. But I've gained 3 pounds back since then, I guess that's not too bad, but I don't want to gain any back, I want to get rid of it all, I have to get rid of it all. I wish someone could squeeze me like a tube of toothpaste and just push all the fat out! I actually ate pizza today, it smelled sooo good.. I couldn't resist. I feel like a giant tub of lard afterwards though. *sigh* I'm using perfume as an appetite suppressor now, the smell gives me a headache and makes me feel nauseous so food is yucky. I don't wanna eat another bite all day after eating nasty greasy pizza. Damn roommates.
I'm drinking lovely, awesome, no calorie herbal tea and I plan to get some more soon since I'm not fond of this kind, it's black cherry berry, ew. That seems more like a kind of juice than tea.
Well, not going shopping till monday or tuesday so all thats in the house right now is super high calorie crap, might as well fast till then.
Been thinking of some kind of punishment for eating things like today, like having to clean or something if I eat when I'm not supposed to, cause I'm into things like that. :P Oh well, tired now, I'll think more on that later.

Why?

So I've decided to start this blog to get my feelings out in a place where people close to me can't read them and can't criticize, where people who share my suffering can offer support or feedback or whatever. I just need someplace anonymous where I can vent and have other ana girls to talk to. I'm 21 years old and I've been 'pro-ana' for a couple years now and I've only recently discovered that there was such a huge possibility of connecting with other girls like me online. I never had anyone to talk to about it in real life and was kind of a "duh" moment when I realized there was so many other ana girls like me online.