Conqueror

Oh how great and yet disgusting I feel today! I decided to kick things off with a good ol' fast, 24 hours to start, since it's been so long, and it makes me happy how easy a 24 hour fast still is for me. I finally decided to step on the scale today, it had been taunting me and finally it lured me onto it's icy platform. 175 pounds at 5'2". Appalling. I would say, I've never wanted to die so much in my life, but that's not entirely true, however it's a pretty close second. I literally feel like a blimp, like someone stuck a water hose in my mouth and kept the water running until I inflated like a balloon. The floors in my house creaking beneath my feet just make everything that much worse with every squeak. They've always made noise when walked on, but I'm sure they wouldn't make as much if I was 100 pounds.
I waited until the 24 hours were up before I stepped onto the scale-of-doom but thinking back, that might not have been the best idea, it nearly ruined my whole high from fasting. I checked again this morning, however, and I am down 2 pounds already, so although I still feel like an over inflated air mattress, I'm on my way back to where I was. I am strong, I will do this, I will drop this weight like a sack of potatoes that I refused to eat!
I just need to keep this quote in mind: "Don't give up what you want most for what you want now." And my overflowing fat will melt away.

Where I belong

I've had a lot of time to myself after I got out, time to prioritize and sort myself out. Over those months to myself I have realized that this is where I am doomed to stay.
I've been thinking lately, as I read the Ana forums, some girls who call themselves "the real anorexic girls" say that calling it "Ana" is for girls who only pretend that they have anorexia nervosa, for girls who want to lose 10-20 pounds before prom or a hot date. I, for one, disagree; I remember a time when the term "Ana" was a way for us to hide it from our friends and family when we were able to find a kindred spirit who was able to truly relate to this dark habit we harbored. "Ana" and "Mia" are as speaking in code with your kin, much like 4:20 is, or rather was, for stoners. Humanizing "Ana" by making her into a person and calling her our friend, makes talking about it so much easier, much like Silverchair's song, Ana; yes, that song is about exactly what you think it is.
For example: there is a difference between blocking out Ana's voice in your head and getting Ana to leave you alone. I don't believe anyone who has met Ana can make her leave them alone forever, Ana is not tossed aside, once she is in your life, she will stay there, one way or another. I do believe, however, that some people are better at blocking out her voice than others, I am not one of those people. Ana has crept her way back into my life and here I am again with 30 calories in 24 hours.
For people like me, using the term Ana is simply a good use of words, a literate flourish, if you will. This disease lovingly refered to as Ana, brings all of us down with it, so why make life more stressful than it already is? Live and let live.
Ana is not someone to take lightly, she is not the leader of the "in crowd" she is a monster keeping us all prisoner in her fortress of food, don't fall for her tricks and don't try to impress her, you don't want to be her friend and trying to do so makes the rest of us, who are actually taken hostage, look as pathetic as you.

Apparently I'm in a ranting mood today. <3

It's a bit funny, in a demented sort of way, how it's so easy to slip back into the old habits, to forget about food and avoid the kitchen again; and even more humorous, how much I enjoy the empty feeling and have a deranged sense of bliss when I hear my stomach growl again for the first time in months.
And yet, despite it all, this is where I belong. This is where I feel in control, of my life and myself.

Freedom

Freedom. To many people, freedom is just a word, it has little meaning until it is taken away. I have learned the meaning of freedom and I am now thankful for it. A few months back, I was very active in a certain "Ana" community. The people in that community were some of my closest friends and the effects of "Ana" were with me every minute of every day. This fact was meant to be hidden from the world outside of this community, as no one understands it the way my girls did. When someone outside this circle finds out about us, we are ridiculed, shunned and even taken prisoner in a place that is affectionately called "rehab", which was my fate in early May. To any girls out there who willingly go to recovery, I applaud you, I myself am not willing to take that plunge, I see that now, I can't give up the single shred of control I have on my life and the world around me. To anyone who may have thought that I abandoned them or who may have worried about me when I vanished, I would like to apologize, sincerely, I was unable to contact anyone within this community during my time in the dark. My family, who I always assumed paid little notice to my eating habits, had, in fact, done exactly that and had been carefully watching me until one day I found myself in a nightmare with professionals stuffing food in my face. Fun stuff.
I have been practically forbidden from entering this world again and for the most part, I thought perhaps I had been cured, I put on weight, more than I have ever wanted to, and began eating food on my own. I know now, me being cured is not the case. The mirror became my trigger, simply enough, one day I stared at myself in the mirror and found, I didn't know who this girl was anymore. I was exploding out of my clothes, my face had grown rounder and I just felt miserable. That was the starting point and in the weeks that followed I found myself nauseated by food and down to under 600 calories a day. I'm too afraid to set foot on my scale to see the punishment for my sin of gluttony, one day, but not today.
So, here I am, begging forgiveness from my girls as I fall back into the pit that I had left them in.

Freaking out

I am like seriously freaking the hell out right now! I somehow gained SIX pounds in a week! WTF! I am so totally fasting this week. God I wanna cry every time I step on my scale. Disappointed is a huge understatement right now too. I don't even want to be here at the moment, I wanna be in my room not eating. Bleh

ABC 1 week food plan

Ok so I decided to keep myself from slipping up I'm going to plan out every single thing I'm going to eat for a week and leave a couple calories extra incase I want to binge and I can just have a piece of fruit or a bite of cereal or something.



Day 4 - Sunday April 5th - 400 cals--liquid fast:
fruit & veggie smoothie
1 apple = 72
1 banana = 175
3 strawberries = 12
4 carrots = 20
3 lettuce leaves = 4
2 spinach leaves = 14
fat-free yogurt = 100
total: 397 calories

Day 5 - Monday April 6th - 100 cals--liquid fast:
Apple strawberry lettuce smoothie
1 apple = 72
5 lettuce leaves = 5
4 strawberries = 15
total: 92 calories

Day 6 - Tuesday April 7th - 200 cals--liquid fast
Green smoothie
2 spinach leaves = 14
4 lettuce leaves = 4
5 strawberries = 20
1/2 banana = 88
5 carrot = 26
total: 152 calories

Day 7 - Wednesday April 8th - 300 cals
1 piece of chocolate = 17
Cream of chicken soup = 200
salad w/ dressing = 54
total: 271 calories

Day 8 - Thursday April 9th - 400 cals
weight watchers dinner = 320
Lemon pepper fish
rice pilaf
broccoli
caramel apple crisp
1 piece of chocolate = 17
total: 337 calories

Day 9 - Friday April 10th - 500 cals (omg so much)
1/2 muffin = 350
jello = 10
pears = 80
1 piece of chocolate = 17
total: 457 (eh, pretty far under, maybe I'll pick up some low-cal sweets)

Day 10 - Saturday April 11th - water fast