What's Been Going on?!

My life has been one helluva ride since the last time I posted. Maybe that's why it's been so long. My crazy emotionally abusive ex and I broke up (yay! It's about time right?) I was single for a while and then I met the most amazing man in the world who I now live with. I moved across the US.. well half way anyway, from the rainy city in Washington to the painfully hot and sometimes blisteringly cold farm country of Iowa. What a change that is, let me tell you, it's hard to keep my skin from gaining any color in the sun! I know how weird that probably sounds to some people, "What!? You wanna be pale and not tan! You crazy!" Yea yea, my mindset still lives in the days when pale skin was considered fair and those women were the aristocrats of society and tan skin was only worn by poor people who worked out in the sun all day.
Oh yea, I bleached my hair a while ago, I like it but it completely destroyed my hair, the ends keep breaking no matter what kind of treatments I put in it trying to repair the damage, so it keeps getting shorter and shorter when I've spent years trying to grow it out... It's kinda depressing. So, I've decided recently that when I run out of bleach I'm gonna stop bleaching it, dye it bright red or light pink and black.. boyfriend likes the pink idea :P and then just let it grow again. I guess my hair is just too fragile to withstand bleaching. It's always been fine being dyed but bleaching was just too much I suppose.
Anywho, I finally stopped having panic attacks which is freaking amazing. I found a psychiatrist who was able to prescribe the right medication for me that pretty much stopped my panic attacks in their tracks. I haven't had one since the first time I took my meds, and it's been helping with depression on top of that. Elavil is amazing, hardly any side effects and it works wonders. The only negative is that it makes me tired as hell after I take it, about 2 hours after I take my pill I can't stay awake any longer no matter how hard I try. It's not that bad of a side effect really, I'd stay up all night if it didn't force me to sleep.
I started updating Stygian Thinspo again too, I tell you, it's getting harder and harder to come up with themes for each post, maybe I'll just start adding pictures willy nilly with no theme in mind.
Aside from all the new stuff happening in my life, my weight has been on the same roller coaster with me and right now it's headed slowly up the hill, ever since I moved here it's been on a slow but steady increase upwards, it's gotten to the point where I'm scared to step on the scale, I really don't even want to know right now cause I know it's gonna be too high and I know I'm gonna cry when I see it. The new man is really supportive of me though, I told him I wanna cut carbs and drop weight and he's totally fine with it and is actually helping me come up with low-carb food ideas. The only time I really eat anymore is in the evening when I make dinner for my man, other than that, I'm home alone and I don't have to hide the fact that I'm not eating from anyone. It's blissful, honestly. I just need to lose the carbs and then lose the weight along with it. I was so freaking close before I moved here. I can't believe how much I've gained in just a year, I feel disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror, I can see how plump I am and it's just disgusting.

Oh how I hate my pills~

I posted a couple weeks ago about how I was liking my pills and they made me more energetic and blah blah.. well now I fucking hate them!
The day I moved up to 2 pills a day, my brain decided to tell me, very forcefully, that it doesn't like these pills messing with it anymore. I was sitting here at the PC, talking to my dad, when all of a sudden a cold rush went through my body, it felt sort of like I had a balloon in my stomach and it popped and all the ice water in it flooded my insides. After that, I went completely numb from head to toe. At this point I started freaking out a little, but it gets worse.. my heart started racing and my muscles clenched all on their own.
So my parents called an ambulance and I got to be taken to the emergency room. Let me give a little example of just how numb I was. When they took me outside to the ambulance it had to have been under 40 degrees, so it was pretty damn cold, and I, of course, was shivering, but I didn't actually feel the cold. So my skin felt the cold and reacted to it, but my brain wasn't registering the feeling of cold.
The best part was, when I got to the emergency room, I got to sit and WAIT in the fucking waiting room! How fucked up is that?! And that's not even the worst part of this hospital; there was a little girl next to me, about 2 or 3 I suppose, who was brought in for a fever of 102 and she was sitting in the waiting room with her mom. About half an hour or so passed and all of a sudden, the girl's body went completely rigid. I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on around me but I saw this woman get up and rush towards the main desk and then I hear screaming and sobbing. Come to find out later, the little girl had a fever of 108 by then and she had a seizure right there in the waiting room. Pretty fucked up huh?

Anyways, enough of that thrilling topic. I've gone back to eating normally again and possibly a little too normally for my liking. I've binged a couple times, thankfully not on anything that was super fattening or unhealthy but I've still gained about 5 pounds since I got off my fast. Most of it is just the weight from the food in my system I'm sure, since I still look the same as I did when I finished my fast and all my clothes are still too big. But still, the fact that the numbers have gone up just make me want to fast again. But, I found out I can't, or rather, shouldn't fast while on these meds. Just another reason I want to get off them asap. Hopefully, when I call my doctor tomorrow, I wont have to make an appointment or anything and she can just let me stop taking them tomorrow. If not, then hopefully I can get it over with this week. I'd like to stop taking them cold-turkey right now but that's not safe either so I'm stuck with them until I see my doctor.
I hate this.
However, I had an epiphany, I realized, a majority of asian women are skinny. And why is that? Because of what and how much (or should I say how little) they eat. So, I decided I'd switch to a strictly Japanese diet, consisting mostly of Japanese rice (which is so good!) and miso soup and other little Japanese dishes now and then when I feel like eating more than that. The best part is, Japanese rice takes forever to make, at least 3 hours, including the time it takes to form the rice into onigiri. So I spend much more time cooking than I spend eating and it's a little deterrent to eating because I think "man I don't wanna spend 3 hours making rice right now, I'll do it later." so I don't eat cause I don't cook, it's perfect! On top of all that, Japanese food is bomb. So it works out great!

Post-fast

Alright well, I decided to end my fast early, I went a full 10 days without eating but I had a little freak out and was worried about my kidneys so I decided to end my fast for that reason and because I lose weight faster in the first 6 days of a fast. So instead I'll be doing shorter fasts more frequently until I get to my goal weight. I'm 155 now though so I don't feel too bad about stopping my fast, 10 days isn't bad at all anyway!
Now that I'm off my fast, about 3 days off it actually, I can't seem to get myself to eat anything. Food in general sounds disgusting and I'm just not hungry, I'm trying to force myself to eat to break my fast but it's hard. I did manage to eat some cold soma noodles though and noodles are about the only thing that really sounds appetizing to me right now. I'm constantly feeling like I need to vomit and I actually do just about every morning now. I mean, it's never been so easy to resist food, but it's a little unnerving that I just can't eat. I suppose it's good that I can resist food so easily now, that was one of the reasons I started fasting, to break my addiction to food, and I certainly did that. All the cravings I'd been having while fasting are completely out the window now.
However, tomorrow I plan on making Japanese food all day and I'm super excited for that! I love cooking, I just don't like eating.
But anyway, we're going to an asian food store tomorrow since I'm missing a couple things that I need for the recipes that I can't find anywhere but in an asian store. I'm making bento lunches for everyone with onigiri, tamagoyaki and kushikatsu and it's gonna be all pretty in a bento box (hopefully the asian store has those!) and then for dinner I'm making yakisoba, fried potatoes, tempura beef and some more onigiri. The onigiri is the most fun to make, that's for sure, but I love making food from other cultures and I love Japan so, perfect!
As long as I can eat some of the food I'll be happy, as it stands I don't know if I'll be able to keep anything besides the onigiri down, but we'll see!

Bipolarness and a new belt hole! \o/

Alright so today is a fairly decent day so far. I just got back from my psychologist and it turns out I have hypomania, which is a feature of bipolar II disorder and cyclothymia, so I think I have bipolar II disorder, according to her. But she says the meds I'm on are working and they're sort of balancing out my mood so she's gonna keep me on those for a while and see how I do. She also said it's ok for me to keep taking my meds while fasting (big weight off my shoulders) it'll probably just cause nausea (you can say that again), headaches and dizziness; but she said she'll have my doctor call me and talk to me about it too, just so I'm fully informed, which is cool.
I haven't moved from 156 again though, I think I might be losing even less than 1 lb a day, it's more like half a pound a day, if that. But, it's weird, I'm not losing weight according to my scale, but my belt is down one hole, I am now at the 3rd hole, where just a few days ago I was at the 2nd. So maybe I'm not losing weight but I'm losing inches? I wouldn't mind that so much, as long as I DO keep losing weight.
I started writing a list of all the cravings I get while fasting. At first I thought it might be a bad idea, but I decided to do it anyway and also write the causes of these cravings. That way, I can see what causes most of my cravings and avoid them, and at the end of my fast I can see if I still have these cravings or if they actually went away and were just a product of a lack of food.
Anyways, I feel pretty good today, I think a lot of the toxins are finally leaving my system and I feel a bit more energetic than before and not nearly as sick and my skin is so much softer and clearer too and I can smell everything. My neighbors were cooking some breakfast food the other day and I could smell it through the walls, it was like pancakes and sausage and eggs or something like that and I could smell all of it. It smelled so good I was about to walk next door and ask them what they were cooking! Earlier today, I was outside and I could smell spices, like someone was preparing food somewhere and I could smell the spices they were using. And just a little bit ago, I swear I smelled McDonalds french fries. I don't know if I'm delusional and just smelling food everywhere (I doubt it) or if my nose and everything is cleared from the fast finally. It kinda sucks being able to smell every single food so well, but it's also really cool to be able to smell everything so much better.
I also got the new Star Trek movie and Push from the library today so I get to watch those later, finally! Woohoo!
Hopefully my day keeps going as well as it is right now.

Day 9 of the Fast

I felt utterly ill this morning, every time I leaned over I felt like I was going to vomit; I HATE throwing up, I am not bulimic by any means. Finally though, it got to the point where I was gonna throw up one way or the other and it was either gonna be in the toilet or on the floor somewhere. I was trying to avoid throwing up with no food in my stomach, but all that came up was bile; thankfully I feel TONS better now, but this morning was quite unpleasant.
For like 3 days, I've been stuck at 157 lbs! Well, not technically, I've actually been fluctuating between 159 and 157, but I wasn't going any lower than that and I was about to freak the fuck out! Today is different though, I finally dropped to 156, just barely, but I did and that's all that fucking matters! Kind of disheartening though, it means my weight loss slowed way sooner than I was thinking and now I'm down to 1 lb a day instead of 2. It sucks but at least I'm losing weight again.
I've been feeling kind of nauseous for a few days, I wonder if maybe I've been needing to vomit for a few days but just kept holding it back and it was messing with my system.
I'm going out to the store today, I figured I could do with a little bit of light exercise that wont tire me out, plus I need some grape juice, can't take apple juice anymore. I can't believe how tired I am all the time; I mean I know it's from fasting but still.. I tried to chase my kitten around the house yesterday and got tired within a couple minutes.
Oh well, what matters to me right now is weight loss and it doesn't matter how tired or sick I get while doing it, especially if it's working this well.